My neighbour found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian.
He found the problem was hair in its ears and cleaned both and then the dog could hear fine.

The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store
and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub in its ears once a month. The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register the druggist tells her "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days." The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either and if you must know I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The Three Little Pigs Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one
night. The waiter came and took their drink order. "I would like a
Sprite," said the first little piggy. "I would like a Coke," said
the second little piggy. "I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said
the third little piggy. The drinks were brought out and the waiter
took their orders for dinner. "I want a nice big steak," said the
first piggy. "I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached
the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert. "I want
a banana split," said the first piggy. "I want a root beer float,"
said the second piggy. "I want beer, lots and lots of beer,"
exclaimed the third little piggy. "Pardon me for asking," said the
waiter to the third little piggy," but why have you only ordered
beer all evening?" You're gonna LOVE me for this.... The third
piggy says - "Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way
home!"

You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One! You don't even have to like 'em!

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'

The cab driver hit a parked car.

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
 
'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.'
 
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
 
Patty explains that she will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
 
The frog says, 'Sure. I have this,' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant , about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
 
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.   She finds the manager and says, 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.'
 
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. 'I mean, what in the world is this?'
 
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
 
'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone.’