A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two Black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"

 "Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a Difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of The cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball With my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's Backside. 

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks Like yours!' " 

"I don't remember much after that ..."

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court. But the custody of their child posed a problem.  The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the child into this world, she should retain custody of  them.  The man also wanted the custody of his children.  The judge asked for his side of the story too.  After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied.  “Judge, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pop comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or the vending machine?”

  A couple go on vacation to a fishing resort in Northern Minnesota.  The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn.  The wife likes to read.  One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.  Although not familiar with the lake , the wife decides to take the boat out.  She motors out a short distance, anchors and continues to read her book.

  Along comes a game warden policeman in his boat.  He pulls up alongside the woman and says “ good morning Ma’am. What are your doing?

  “Reading a book,” she replies (thinking isn’t it obvious?)

  “You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her

  “I’m sorry officer, but I’m not fishing, I’m reading.”

  “Yes, but you have all the equipment.  I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”

  “If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual assault.” Says the woman

  “But I haven’t even touched you.” Says the policeman.

  “That’s true, but you have all the equipment.”

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.  When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. $10.00 a pill," answered the son.  "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put  the money under the pillow. " 

Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow.  He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not  $110.00.  I know," said Grandpa.  "The hundred is from Grandma".

Bob feared his wife Ruthie wasn't hearing as well as she used to and
he thought she might need a hearing aid.  Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the Husband could
perform to give the Doctor a better idea about Ruthie's hearing loss.
"Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from
her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears
you.  If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a
response."

That evening, his wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was
in the den.  He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let’s see what
happens."  Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response. So Bob moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife
and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"     Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his
wife and asks, "Honey, what’s for dinner?"   Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.  - "Honey,
what's for dinner?"  Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her.  "Honey, what's for dinner?"

 "BOB, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom 
and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,  "It is essential that husbands 
and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."  He addressed the man,

"Can you name your wife's favourite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,

“It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. 
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted 
to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,

the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you
with your 54-year-old body can no longer supply. However, I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact I will be spending the evening with my 18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed, I shall be back home before midnight.

When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table: 

My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time, I would like to inform you that while you are reading this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach, who, like your secretary, also is 18. As a successful businessman, and with your excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be back until lunchtime tomorrow.

Joe's Will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests
departed the affair, his wife Helen turned to her oldest friend. "Well, I'm
sure Joe would be pleased," she said.

"I'm sure you're right", replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in
close. "How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."

"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The
wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial
stone."

Jody computed quickly, "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God how big is
it?!"

"Two and a half carats."

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each
other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally
time to get married.
 
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation
regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living
arrangements, and so on.
 
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of
their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather
 tentatively. 'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
 
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then
leaned over towards her and whispered, 'Is that one word or two?'