WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with
you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular
workout routine.

Dear Diary:

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in
great shape since playing on my High School football team 25 yrs ago, I
decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my
enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart
my progress.

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it
when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was
something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a
dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5
minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I
attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I
enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class
after my workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut
was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This
is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda
made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she
put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made
the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel
GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter
and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in
both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I
parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with
me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a
little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this
nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair
monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity
rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in
shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY:

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an
hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out
with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room.
She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY:

I hate Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other
human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little
cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable
pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if
you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ Barbells
or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir
director?

SATURDAY:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice
wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to
smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even
use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather
Channel.

SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife
will choose a gift for me that is fun like a root canal or a
vasectomy.

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. " I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man.

"There's no money in that account."